Next gen console predictions from the source

We are at a cusp.

Our current generation of consoles is on its way out, and the masses are frothing at the mouth for information at their new gaming machines.

With rumors of the so-called Xbox 720 being announced this year, and speculation about when or if we’re going to see the Playstation 4, it’s time for you to hear what’s really going to happen – from someone who actually knows what he’s talking about.

That’s right, I’ve traveled deep into the abyss of Microsoft, Nintendo, and Sony’s research laboratories, to give you the details of how you’ll be spending your $60 in 2013.

Nintendo: A whole new Wii U

After its terrible E3 reception, Nintendo has decided to ditch the Wii U design for something new.

Speaking with me in a lavishly decorated meeting room, Shigeru Miyamoto said, “I mean did you see that controller? There’s no way that’d be comfortable to hold for a long period of time. We decided to listen to our fans and go back to our roots.”

And back to their roots they have gone. Gamers everywhere will be rejoicing to know that in true Nintendo fashion, motion control is king once again! Keeping with the company’s tradition, the tech specs have gone down to something of that similar to the original Xbox. “We realized that players don’t want to play games that look decent. They’d much rather spend $300 on last generation’s hardware,” said Reggie Fils-aime at a recent press conference. The new controller, dubbed the Wiildo, is 1:1 motion sensitive, wireless, and ribbed for her pleasure.”

The updated Wii U is expected to have no backwards compatibility of any kind. “Why should we include backwards compatibility when we can just sell you the same games you already own again through the Wii U store?” A smart move indeed on Nintendo’s part. In addition to the online store, the Wii U is expected to omit inclusions like patch and update capabilities, DLC, and standard online play. You know, for the kids.

Microsoft: Turn 720 degrees and walk away

With the recent hiring of Cave Johnson as project lead at Microsoft, some interesting changes have been made.

“We decided to take the You are the controller idea of the Kinect one step further and say You are the console, controller, TV, wireless router, and AI bot. So here’s what we’re gonna do. We open you up, stick some science stuff in there. You get a few plugs sticking out of your behind. Stick those in the various spots on the wall, we beam the images of your game right into your head. There’s a slight chance your body will turn into one giant tumor, but fear not subje- I mean customers, we are going to give to you a full 72-hour tumor warranty.”

Due to the rising costs of online technologies, Xbox Live will be transitioning to a new business model with the Xbox 720 console. You’ll be able to play online with your friends for the low, low cost of $5.00 per hour. While this may seem steep, Mr. Johnson explained a revamped Rewards Program would help offset the price increase.

“Players will be able to waive some of their online costs by coming down to our brand-new testing facility and doing some science for us,” he said. “Nothing dangerous of course, we take our players’ safety seriously here!”

Finally, the Xbox 720 is expected to be both backwards and forwards compatible. “Through our new temporal technology, we’ve been able to predict the technologies we’ll be using in the console after this one, and stuck that in here as well.” The press was warned that one of the side effects of using this feature will, unfortunately, be that playing a game before it is released will result in banning from Xbox Live, termination of the player-console, and the collapse of the entirety of space and time.

Sony: We outdid the PS3 on tech, price, and price

I was given a chance recently to speak to Kevin Butler, Vice President of everything for Sony. “After the PSN hacks, security has become a top priority here at Sony Entertainment. In order to keep your data safe, I’ve changed my password. And www.howsecureismypassword.net says it’d take a desktop computer almost 11 hours to crack! We’ll catch them before that much time passes, don’t you worry.”

Sony is standing firm by the stance that 3D is not a fad, but the future of gaming. As such, anyone looking to purchase a Playstation 4 will need a 3D capacitive touch screen UHD television to play.

To help catch gamers up to speed with Japan-level tech, Sony will be releasing a bundle with the console and TV for just ¥2383800 at launch. “If there’s one thing we learned from the PS3’s launch, it’s that people don’t care how much a console costs. Only that it has the greatest technology inside.”

The console itself also includes many new, innovative features. “In the past, gamers had to choose between playing games and eating bacon. With the built in griddle on the Playstation 4, we’re looking to change all that.” The console is speculated to include a treadmill, stock analysis machine, and loving girlfriend. All of these are said to be instrumental to the next generation of gaming.

The future is bright, like a pair of oncoming headlights

We gamers have a wonderful, fun-filled future ahead of us. The best minds in development and engineering have been storming for years now, and I believe they’ve come up with what will surely be the most exciting gaming experience we’ve seen yet. With all of these consoles coming soon™, the only remaining question is – which one are you going to buy?

No, seriously, we need to know for data harvesting purposes.