Proper Trolling in Battlefield

Before we go any farther, no, I’m not talking about USAS with frag rounds. No, I’m not talking about M320 spam on Grand Bazaar. I’m talking about proper, high-class trolling. The kind of stuff that doesn’t require exploiting game mechanics. Straight up, gentlemanly-like trolling is all I consider worthy of consideration. All else is floundering and failure disguised by ill intent.

Begin with the classics

In Bad Company 2, there is one map synonymous with wookies: Isla Innocentes. If the attackers don’t have at least six to ten snipers on the initial hill they be doin’ it wrong! I don’t think you’re supposed to win on that map as an attacker. Ever. Your job is to get the longest marksman headshot possible, from the first spawn to the emplacement towers on the third base. Hit one of those, and you win. The game just ends and you get the Ace pin, the Ace squad pin and the entire staff of DICE is sent to your home to congratulate you on such a wondrous feat.

If sniping isn’t your plan on Isla, there are two possibilities. One: You actually think MCOMs need arming, and have a K/D that does not assist in compensating for anything. Two: you are a troll and you are incredibly smart and stylish and are reading this article. You roll Assault with the 40mm smoke launcher, go up to those damn wookies and cover them in blinding smoke. When they rage at you in the chat, you type back in Shakespearean English explaining in great detail their failure at life. Making them leave the game is a gratifying experience akin to ramming a chopper down someone’s throat.

Cranetop isn’t just a TF2 map.

In Battlefield 3, there are options beyond the last most amusing endeavor. With the advent of very tall towers and even longer sight lines, furless wookies have the ability to be even more useless helpful to their team and loved by all. Whether on allied with them or having to be constantly punished by their skill, your choices of upper class trolling are endless.

Say there’s a sniper on a crane, and smoking isn’t good enough. Get up there and land a helicopter on his head. And I don’t mean roadkill him. He’s on your team, after all. Cover the chopper in C4, land it on top of his head and beg him to get in. “I’ve got this great spot,” you’ll say. “No one’ll ever see you, and you can see the whole map.” When he gets in, make him believe you’re going someplace awesome, then fly as high as you can and go into a nosedive. Jump out at the last second, blow the C4, and listen to the rage.

If playing on hardcore and you discover an allied sniper on your team, smoke him, but don’t teamkill him with the smoke. Surround him with it, then swing your knife at him until he either jumps off or starts trying to kill you. Take the death it you must. Once he’s good and angry, leave him alone for a while. Then come back and do it again, this time making sure to do some proper teabagging. If he still won’t move, just push him off the ledge and then jump off after him, letting your two corpses do hilarious things as they ragdoll on the ground.

Sniping is as sniping does

The saying goes, “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.” I’d amend that for snipers and say, “If you can’t beat ’em, toy with ’em.” Put on that recon class and find your friendly neighborhood camper. Chances are he isn’t quite on the edge of his little nest. Go prone directly in front of him. Put your ass in his face. If he complains, look at him through your scope. Better yet, shine a tac light in his eyes, put a radio beacon in front of him, a MAV on his head, a SOFLAM looking straight at him. The more obstructions you can put in front of his scope, the better. If he runs, follow him and continue. Crouch next to him and engage in stimulating conversation. Ask about the weather, how he plans to make dinner that night, and especially if his dog is some sort of Chihuahua. If he answers in the affirmative to this last query, congratulate him on being the manliest man on the planet.

Then promptly land a jet on his head.