Top Tier Tips: Dozens of Disasters

Do you have a personal disaster you’re unable to solve? Ask TopTierTips for life-changing, semi-legal personal advice. New questions answered every week.

Dust Bunny Disaster

I HATE vacuuming and dusting my room. It just keeps producing dust like barracks+reactors produce space marines. The army of dust bunnies seems endless after a week without tidying up and one might think that I breed them on purpose (or that I’m a lazy bitch) because it looks like I haven’t been dusting for at least 2 months.  When I eventually decide to follow the call of duty, it takes me about 3 (THREE) hours to cover all of my room as there are so many things I need to rearrange (e.g. books, consoles, cables) to reach all the hidden spots. Wasted time that could have been used for shooting some peoples faces or for jumping on innocent turtles. Such circumstances now lead me to my ultimate question: What should I do about my dust problem?

-Zed

Dear Zed,

It appears to me you actually have two problems….

First, the obvious dust problem, and second, the fact that you have not yet domesticated a woman. Apparently, we let the hippies put a Democrat into office and less than two years later, every man in the country has been emasculated. Even men named Zed. Are you happy now, you ivory tower liberal scum?

It is imperative, Zed, that you immediately find and conquer a woman. For most men in your situation, (high dust buildup, large reliance on constant “videogames”) that woman is typically called “Mom.” Unless you’re about to tell me you don’t live with your mother (don’t lie, nobody will believe you), why haven’t you already demanded that she clean up your dust bunnies? Sure, she doesn’t charge you rent and has probably forgiven you for that time you crashed her new car, but enough is enough! March into your mother’s room today and demand her duties are fulfilled! If she says something like, “Zed, shut up and don’t interrupt me while I’m using the toilet,” I guess you should write in again and ask for help standing up to authority figures. There’s only so much I can do in one response.

Cheers,
WiNGSPANTT

Deadline Disaster

Hi Triple T,

I seem to have a problem recently with meeting deadlines, even when it’s for something really important. Just recently, I had the opportunity to write for one of the greatest blogs on the Internets (hint hint nudge nudge brownnose brownnose) but instead I did less important things like do homework and sleep. What do?

Thanks,

Crash Man

Do Crash Man,

You misinterpreted the situation completely. It was never your procrastination that cost you a position on this blog, but your inability to conjugate the basic English verb “to do.”

As stated on a German-English education site, “The verb to do is another common verb in English. It can be used as an auxiliary and a main verb. It is often used in questions.” While you did manage to use it in a question, you failed to include other important aspects, like a subject, prepositions, and the phrase, “I’m not worthy to even comment on your blog, let alone write for it.”

Hopefully this scornful reply will prevent you from ever going anywhere near Top Tier Tactics ever again. If you have the inclination to read this blog, comment, or send in a T3 query, don’t it.

Cheers,
WiNGSPANTT

Daddy Disaster

Hey TTT, here’s a query for you.

The holiday trip home is always a bit stressful, what with my folks always griping at me about staying up till 4AM or later playing WoW, TF2, or other PC games, and then sleeping in till 2 the next day. What can I say to get them off my back about it?

Thanks,

Moonlup

Dear Moonlup,

The reason most parents nag their kids about staying up late is simple: they love you and are concerned about your health. The easiest way to stop their nagging would be to simply grow up and start making responsible fucking decisions about how you spend your life, but the more reasonable approach is to tell them you have a terminal illness. While cancer is a personal favorite, sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) is all the rage these days, especially in developed western nations. Of course, it won’t be easy to convince your parents you have SIDS, since you’re not an infant, and you haven’t suddenly died, but if you cough a lot and lick your palms when they’re not looking, they will eventually fall for it.

Once your parents believe you are terminally ill, you will have free reign to do what you want. If they guilt you for playing games too late, just say something like “One day soon when I’m gone, you’ll wish you spent less time chastising me and more time being worthwhile human beings.” Works every time.

Cheers,
WiNGSPANTT

Double Corkscrew Disaster

how do you do corkscrews?

aka this : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3B7cT-cpEW8

-Ian

Dear Ian,

I don’t know what to tell you, it’s pretty obvious from the video:

1. Take a shoulder-width stance
2. Using your rear leg for momentum, spin your body around the Z-axis
3. Jump off your front foot in the opposite direction
4. (this is very important) Slow down time as much as possible
5. Perform one to seven full body rotations
6. Reposition your forward foot, land, and transfer momentum horizontally
7. Resume the normal flow of time

Cheers,
WiNGSPANTT

Dartmouth Disaster

Any Top Tier Tips for filling out college applications?

-Ray

Dear Ray,

While most people will tell you to fill out college applications with pencil, Top Tier Tactics recommends you use ink or (preferably) blood* on every application form. When you fill out an application with pencil, you’re sending a message to the university: “I change my mind frequently.” Additionally, you may be sending a second message: “I have no fear of lead poisoning.”**

When you use a pen, you’re throwing caution to the wind, declaring your absolute and unwavering certainty in every stroke you make. Yes, you are sure your first name is Ray. Yes, you are fucking positive that your gender is male. Indeed, there is no doubt you qualify for Native American scholarship consideration. In fact, you are double Native American, and should therefore receive two scholarships (save one for your prom date).

Of course, when you use blood, you’re throwing even more caution to the wind. Also: plasma. But instead of saying you’re bold enough to write in an un-erasable substance, you’re also declaring you’re bold enough to wager the college or university’s forensic crime lab is not advanced enough to determine your victim was the student one class rank above you. Fucking Chad.

That’ll show him.

Cheers,
WiNGSPANTT

Thanks to everyone who submitted Top Tier Tips queries!
Ask your question today to be part of next week’s article!

*Super preferably: some jerk named Chad. Seriously, who the hell names someone Chad, unless they want him to be a valueless social parasite?

**Technically, pencils use graphite. However, if you weren’t smart enough to use a pen on your college application, you probably didn’t know that little nugget either, moron.