Top Tier Tips: Full Life Consequences

Do you have a personal disaster you’re unable to solve? Ask TopTierTips for life-changing, semi-legal personal advice. New questions answered every week.

Full Life Failures

Dear Mr T.

I can’t seem to be able to aim at things. Of course, this wouldn’t be bad if it was in a normal way. But… I FRIGGIN MISSED A BACKSTAB ONCE DUE TO BAD AIM.

Indeed. Of course, there are Guns that aim themselves at ppl, but somehow I always get kicked when i do it (something about “not more than 5 engineers”). Could it be that i’m simply stupid? (I wanted to type the word Thirty-three inside your confirmation box when it asked for the number 31…) Or is it just my mouse to blame? I guess so…it’s always the machines (EVIL!)

I can’t believe i typed so much text here. feel free to cut it down to the actual questions. If not: DO NOT LOOK AT ME, I DID NOT ASK YOU A REAL QUESTION!

-Toraka

Dear Toraka,

Missing backstabs has never been proven to have a direct correlation with intelligence. And while it’s certain that gaming-quality mice offer an advantage over your average Dell POS 300 brand pointer, there’s more to the work of Artemis than DPI alone. Instead, it’s quite possible you have an entirely different issue…

Let’s look at how you started your query: “Dear Mr. T.” While I took the liberty to reply, I don’t think many people would consider me “Mr. T” by any means. Nor do I imagine you meant to address Laurence Tureaud with your question, though I’m sure he’d pity you for doing so. Did it ever occur to you that perhaps, in some sick, twisted way, “Mr. T” is actually you, Toraka?

Perhaps the reason you have so many problems, including your inability to differentiate imperative and interrogative sentences, is because you’re actually a victim of multiple personality disorder. Why else would you address a letter to yourself? Why else would you constantly pull your mouse away from your victims at the last second? Why else would you spend all day fucking Marla Singer? I mean seriously, she must have at least three venereal diseases.

Here’s what you’re going to do. You’re going to quit your job. Both of them. You’re going to sell your boutique soap factory, call off your army of brainwashed vandals, and then you’re going to use the money you’ve saved to buy a copy of Fragging Fundamentals and practice until you can consistently land backstabs. Then you’re going to seek professional help.

Cheers,
WiNGSPANTT

Full Life Philosophies

Dear T3,

It seems to me that reason, by itself, fails. Every worldview or ideology inevitably includes some non-rational bias. What do you do in a world of relative value?

-Derek

Dear Derek,

Life is full of contradiction and struggle. Every day we are forced to deal with illogical morons who refuse to put 1 and 1 together, incapable of the slightest reasonable concessions. In fact, just the other day, a friend of mine proposed to me that the Earth is billions of years old. After three hours of debate, I decided nothing could be done to steer him towards the truth. I thanked him for his time then slashed his tires and cursed him to eternal damnation. But I suppose all friendships must end eventually.

Of course, I’ve lost hundreds of friends over the years, and while my tire-slashing knife has grown dull due to a lifetime of use, my conviction has grown only sharper. If you want to navigate a complex, often multi-layered world full of unanswered (or even unanswerable) questions, you must simply choose a set of beliefs and steadfastly uphold them no matter what.

Look, you could spend your whole life looking for answers or trying to find reasonable compromise between opposing, but equally valid, points of view. But time is money. If you can force yourself to commit to a narrow band of irrational views now, you can save thousands of hours of thought over the course of your life. When your child takes its first steps, or when the rapture occurs and mankind is forced to kneel before the ineffable power of the Lord, do you want to be bothered with thoughts like “This is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen,” or “This is the second most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen”?

Of course not. Get all your “thinking” out of the way now, and think how much free time you’ll have to truly relish all the important stuff in life.

Cheers,
WiNGSPANTT

Full Life Courting Ceremonies

Hey TTT,

I’m a big fan of your website(and your crude humor) but I need help on something.

You see there’s this girl I like a lot and she sort of likes me but at school she is at a socially higher status than me. In fact she’s probably one of the most popular girls in the school. Me? Well I’m spending time playing games and reading your website if that says something(no offense you’re great). I’m lucky enough to have danced with her several times before but I don’t know how to pop that question of asking her to be my girlfriend. I know her quite well and I know what she likes but I’m not sure what to do. Will you offer me some of your wisdom?

-Eugene

Dear Eugene,

I don’t know what society’s obsession with labels is. Why exactly would you want to pop any question? If you do so, you may lose your potential mate as she awkwardly scrambles to decide if you are worth her time or not.

Instead, consider what adopting what many couples in the Western world are now trying: ambiguous relationships. When you would normally use a series of formalities to establish your connection and the boundaries of your interpersonal permissions, try something new and just do what you feel. Why should you have to ask her out to go on a date? Just show up at her house next Friday with a reservation for two to Gaston’s Fancy French Culinary Extravaganza. Why set her as your significant other on Facebook? Just start making all your posts and updates about her, and soon enough things will fall into place.*

That said, if a few weeks go by and you’re still not sure the message is getting oh-so-subtly across, then it’s time to get more forthright. When she’s not busy, approach her and ask, “Hey there, what are you doing next Friday?” When she replies, thank her for her time. Later, when you get home, make sure you fill in her activities on your desk calendar. If you repeat this process enough, you’ll slowly learn exactly what she did the entire month. It’s like you spent it together!

Cheers,
WiNGSPANTT

*If done incorrectly, the “things” might be “you” and the “place” might be “police questioning.”