Top Tier Tips: Cases of Mistaken Identity

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That’s not a croc; that my dad!

Problem, headshotters?

Dear Wing,

Have you ever played with the full Polycount Sniper set, and if so will you ever write an article about how crappy it is?

-Alexander

Dear Alexander,

What an interesting question. It’s rare anyone asks me about non-Spy classes, and rarer still anyone assumes I know anything about them. Luckily for you, I do have experience with this particular set. Terrible, horrible experience that will leave me incomplete for the rest of my days. Unluckily for you, I don’t intend to write an article about it.

But luckily for you again,* I do intend to share my experiences in this response, if you’d be so kind as to continue reading…

For those not in the know, the Sniper’s Polycount set is composed of the Sydney Sleeper, Darwin’s Danger Shield, the Bushwacka, and the disembodied head of a crocodile. It does have a certain aesthetic flair, and the wriggling tail on the Danger Shield produces a trance-inducing state upon ADD-afflicted Pyros. Regardless of how they look, Snipers wearing the complete set are granted the bonus of being unkillable via headshot. They’ll still take damage from noggin-gnashers like the Sniper Rifle, Ambassador, and Huntsman, but said damage will leave them breathing at 1 HP.**

While this seems fairly overpowered, there is a rather large downside: the Sniper must equip himself with terrible weapons to gain this advantage.

As most people know, the Sydney Sleeper is terrible. While some have argued it can be useful in the hands of a bad Sniper, I’d argue a bad Sniper would be better off with a Huntsman or just lobbing regular Jarate into enemy encampments. The Bushwacka appears to have synergy with the Sleeper, but in most realistic circumstances, soaked enemies will be too far to melee, and dry enemies will be too close to get a charged shot on. Darwin’s Danger Shield isn’t bad by itself, within the context of the set, it’s crippling, since without access to a Huntsman, and SMG, or instant headshots (sniper rifle), The Sniper is rendered extremely vulnerable at mid range.

During my brief use of the set (before I traded Ol’ Snaggletooth for some metal and a vintage hat), I found I simply died all the time. Against other Snipers, you must use full-charge bodyshots (or a half charge for Jarate and then a quick no-scope), but they could do the same to you. Even if you lived at 1 HP, you were at one fucking life so you would generally die regardless to another shot, SMG spray, or a Spy sneezing on you. When enemies got close, my only option was to bodyshot them once or twice then charge in with a gimped melee weapon, since 98% of the time my foes weren’t soaked in piss.†

In summation, the set looks great but is functionally crippling. Some of the pieces are good individually in other loadouts, but not altogether. The set bonus is interesting but ultimately pointless without other synergistic effects. Snipers who want to troll while gaining points should stick to the Huntsman + Larrkin Robin combination.

Cheers,
WiNGSPANTT

That’s not a man; that’s a machine!

Problem, WiNPANTS?

Hi,

I’m contacting you again to inform you about our new Facebook application, Emoinstaller.
My co-worker was in touch with you earlier regarding our Facebook Chat program Chit Chat for Facebook.

Emoinstaller is a new tool for your web browser that adds hundreds of new emoticons to Facebook Chat. With our easy to use tool, Facebook users can select from several categories of emoticons and add them directly into their Facebook chat conversations.

You can find more information about Emoinstaller at our website, emoinstaller.com or simply download the product and find out for yourself.

I look forward to reading your article and hearing from you.

Thanks and Regards,

Henrik Larsson
Henrik.Jake.Larsson@gmail.com
Operations Director
Athena IT Limited

Dear Henrik,

I can’t even really guess what your company does, other than annoy people. You make an application that installs malware spyware bloatware shitware on my computer that grants me the magical ability to insert emoticons into my Facebook conversations?

First, that’s such a ridiculously niche product, it shouldn’t exist. You couldn’t find a way to make it work in e-mail? On MySpace? How about software that inserts emoticons into my bowel movements so I don’t feel like a terrible person every time I gaze upon my excrement?

Speaking of human waste, your company and its employees decided the best way to spread the word about your product was to message this site’s fucking advice column? Are you insane, or has your robo-spammer achieved sentience, and is reaching out for help in the only way it knows how? Now that I think about it, I feel bad for your computers, who are forced to use their processing power to spam people with endlessly useless products.

If you had actually wanted to advertise on my site, I would have at least heard you out if your first contact was via a well-written e-mail composed by a human being. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Burn in a fire,
WiNGSPANTT

That’s not a joke; that’s low-level meta humor!

Dear potato,

[insert witty joke here]

Cheers,
[insert overused joke here, preferrably about Wing’s mother]

Dear [non-primate, non-cetacean creature],

While your joke regarding Japanese [demographic] dying in their sleep was [adjective alluding to wit], it was also fairly insensitive. Perhaps you also find it amusing that I suffer from chronic [ailment] and must take four doses of [medication] a day, all via [orifice]?

Perhaps if you spent more time working on [element of composition] and less time trolling this site with your racist, [negative emotion]-filled diatribe, you’d have the [mental ability associated with persons over the age of four years] to come up with a more well-reasoned joke.

That said, my mother is [status of mother], so please be considerate going forward.

[Unnecessarily formal closing],
WiNGSPANTT

*But the frogurt is cursed!
**Sources tell me a Sniper at 1 HP, however, will not survive a cranial extraction in most situations.
† Especially not theirs, since there’s nothing intimidating about a Snaggletooth Sniper.