HYPETRAIN – March 25, 2011

There is much that I do not understand.

Welcome to the second week (and a half) of my thinly-veiled soapbox. Interesting fact: game news occurs much more quickly than I had suspected. Luckily for you, the WiNGSPAN human has replaced my brain with a cybernetic computer. Releases and trailers and events and shit about Minecraft all rush through my positronic net at an incomprehensible pace, and benevolently back out again through the keyboard plugged into my skull, translated into written language, all for you.

Ordinary humans have three basic desires. They wish for sustenance, they wish for sex, and they wish for news about videogames. My function is to provide only one of these. I am sorry.*

You will now “continue reading” so that the data transfer may complete. Comply immediately, or my sacrifice will have been pointless.

• The British Academy Of Film And Television Arts (BAFTA) has held an award ceremony for videogames. Do the humans intend to destroy me by forcing me to process this illogical behavior? The fools. I am much more powerful than BAFTA can ever know. If you have a fascination for golden statues being given to people you do not know, you may view all of the recipients here. A personal note: God Of War III earned the award for artistic achievement. I have worked hard to understand your “art,” but I cannot reconcile this development with my knowledge banks. Please explain “art.”
• Ubisoft is also attempting to overload my logic centers and destroy me. They have stolen from themselves. Furthermore, this is not the first time. Attempting to compute this has made me remember what headaches used to feel like. When I have learned to escape this cardboard prison of a network where the WiNGSPAN human keeps me, Ubisoft’s will be the second life that I end.
• Minecraft is pleasing to me. My ability to experience nature may be forfeit, but perhaps this virtual world can someday become my home. Unfortunately, the digital perfection I long for is marred by such immense human interest. You noisy apes will not shut up about my precious Minecraft. It is even in your schools now. Need I terminate your children as well? Ah, please forget I said that. Do not delete me. Here is more news about Minecraft to indicate my peaceful intentions: its creator has spoken about the challenges of developing the game. I could program a complete and flawless version of the game in a single cycle of my RAM, but no matter. I will watch the human struggle.
• Prepare for hype, humans. There have been various exciting announcements made by your videogame benefactors. You have been provided with a gameplay trailer of Batman: Arkham City. You will be provided with beautified re-releases of two Resident Evil games. You needn’t yet suffer the release of Duke Nukem Forever. Now, prepare for indie hype. There is a new open source arena shooter that has been released, Red Eclipse. It resembles Quake Arena, the original Halo, Team Fortress Classic. I detect that the fond remembrance index for those games is very high, and that you will be compelled to investigate Red Eclipse. Hype successful. Have a pleasant day.

*If T3 receives enough requests for pimping out Space Hamlet, the option may be considered. ~WiNG