Batches of 3DS “J-7” recalled over concerns of ocular damage [April Fools’ Day]

Initial exposure to the J-7 model may scar cornea tissue and damage central optic transmitters.

In what could be a gigantic early blow against the 3DS and Nintendo shareholders, early reports are coming in that preliminary “J-7” batches of the Nintendo 3DS will be recalled from Japanese markets after post hoc analysis of initial tests are revealing a disturbing pattern. Out of the 43,000 J-7 3DS units produced, over 9,000 instances of mild-to-moderate headache, nausea, and (in two cases) hemorrhaging of the central cortex have been reported.

While the results are not conclusive, Nintendo of Japan is taking quick steps to recall existing J-7 batches of 3DS products. Unfortunately, due to the extreme popularity of the new console, most of the products associated with this flaw have already been sold, meaning they must be returned by the owners. Widespread panic among Japanese 3DS owners ensued after further study analysis revealed that exposure to the parallax screen on these devices caused permanent harm.

In other words, simply ceasing to play the affected models would not slow or prevent ocular or neural damage.

While no plans have been made to directly alert Nintendo 3DS owners in other countries, it is believed a small percentage of initial shipments to the United States, Germany, and the UK, may include leftover J-7 models. At the present time, the only way to determine if a consumer’s Nintendo 3DS is a J-7 model is to check the motherboard series stamping on the inside of the 3DS itself. Due to the potential for damage to the system, 3DS owners who are concerned about health risks should immediately ask a licensed Gamestop professional to examine their console’s motherboard for the J-7 stamp, or simply wait until a firmware fix is available from Nintendo.*

While Nintendo has yet to release a statement regarding its long-term plans for further testing of its 3D technology, several safety officials in America and other countries have reprimanded the big N for allowing such a large oversight (no pun intended) to go unnoticed until now.

*Opening the system in this manner or hiring someone to do so will void the system warranty and may cause irreparable harm.