Playing for Lulz: When no shits are given

So I’ve been playing Call of Duty a bit lately (judge me and my love of complete shit), and I’ve come to the following conclusion: if you aren’t playing with a group of people who want to win, you cannot give two shits about how you play or what you do for your fun.

Winning ceases to be the goal. A good K/D ceases to be the goal. Even caring what your teammates think of you falls by the wayside. Besides, in Call of Duty they’re all twelve years old anyway, so who the fuck cares, right?

This is all well and good in theory, but how do you go about actually having fun in a game like MW2 or Black Ops or any bullshit FPS? The hard option is gathering a team of friends (and who’s got those these days?) and rolling over pubs all night. Or you could go the way I prefer: explosive spam, knifing, and camping.

Now, I do have my pride, so for my own purposes I stay away from the “cheapest” ways of going about my fun. For CoD, this means no Danger Close or Commando. For Battlefield, this means no Explosive Damage upgrades or Carl Gustav spamming… after all, professionals have standards.

And who could forget about the camping?! Gotta have my bowl gotta have my cereal that camping. In this case, however, I don’t recommend being a complete bitch and just setting up shop in one place for the whole game. A true troll is never a coward; a troll with class moves around a little.

Here’s a blueprint for hilarity: camp in one place, literally one single spot for two kills, then move twenty or thirty feet in one direction and wait for the poor soul to come for revenge again. Kill him, humiliate him in some way, and leave your area entirely. Then go to the opposite side of the map, or at least far enough away that you can giggle as he searches for you in a fury. If you can, kill him from this new spot and then return to your original position. If you make someone ragequit, lulz will be yours and tears will be shed by some pitiful preteen with no life and a beer belly.

Of course, this is Top Tier Tactics, so I’d be remiss if I didn’t tell you how to succeed in some way. Trolling is its own reward, but how do you win while trolling? That takes a little more skill on your part. Granted, I would presume that you know the game well enough when you need to start being a total douche, but I’ll get it out anyway. Again, you could gather a group of friends to troll with, or you could pick a complete bullshit setup and play the game like you would if you really wanted to win.

In these situations, use height when it’s available, cover and flanking maneuvers. Go for the objective and communicate with your worthless teammates. Sometimes this is a losing strategy, but to alleviate that, troll even harder. Go for that extra long teabag after a satisfying kill. Shoot their corpse every time they die. Say something crude about their dog in chat. If you get a response (and you will nine times out of ten), roll with it. Always remember you don’t give two and a half shits about the game or what people think about you or your playstyle.

Most of all though, have fun. Trolling is meant for nothing else.